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Thursday, September 25, 2008

I don't understand myself

I like to think myself as completely different from a Mary Sue character in a cheesy 60's novel that keeps getting rejected by a dark and mysterious guy, only to keep returning to grovel at his Gucci-loafered feet while he disdainfully looks on.

Recently, however, my behavior has been quite to the contrary (but don't get me wrong - I think loafers are fugly).

There's this friend of mine that I've known since sixth grade. Right now, I'm S, and he's K. I'd say that we've been best friends until ninth grade - and at that point, K considered me to still be his best friend, but my fondness for him began to wane because of his self-centeredness and lack of tact. We had a few fights over the silliest things that he was creating an unnecessary amount of drama over, and each time I kind of promised myself that an idiot like him wasn't worth any of my emotional expense.

And yet each time, I forgave him. I hated it afterwards for allowing him to whore out my feelings like he did, but it seems like I've become some ridiculous damsel in distress that everybody can bend this way and that (no dirty jokes, please =]). I know I have a spine, and I always stand up fiercely for what I believe in, but my spine seems to wilt a little every time I see or talk to him. He doesn't deserve all my second chances and forgiveness, but I always give in to him and I realize how destructive it's being to me.

I mean, this is the kind of behavior that battered housewives that never leave their abusive husbands have.

So while I like to think that I have a strong will and I'm stubborn, my actions from whenever I'm around this guy completely contradicts it. I can promise myself all I want that I'll change the way I regard him, but it never happens. I need to find the strength to oppose him and realize that his presence is detrimental to me.

At this point though, I'm too used to this whole cycle to really feel as if it's urgent to change. Since I barely see him at all anymore, I suppose I'll just keep bending this way and that for him until we both go our separate ways in college.

5 pointed finger(s): raise an eyebrow:

Draxiom said...

I see him every day (if I'm right) and he's kind of getting on my nerves little by little now.

Draxiom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Draxiom said...

This site's design is extremely broken.


It would take a weekend night, probably.

[zen] said...

......? o.o Wait, I'm not quite following here. What do you mean?

Anonymous said...

forgiving is not a bad thing... but we have to have our limits