Top 10 Things I've Learned On Television

1. How, if you have no eyelid crease and are asian, to stab a toothpick into your lid so you can look more Caucasian.

2. Bill O'Reilly does not know what a panda is.

3. Looking back, those kiddie Disney movies had way too many crafty innuendos to count.

4. Jesus is fond of appearing on dog's butts, slimy bathroom mildew, and mold in uncleaned garages.

5. FOX News is an excellent example of Poe's Law, because I once watched it and momentarily thought it was a portion of The Colbert Report.

6. If there was a terrible accident but the person miraculously survived, it's always from God's grace, although nobody explains why God would have let the accident transpire in the first place.

7. Every time I bump fists with a friend, we both, for a nanosecond, become terrorists.

8. The jowlier the politician, the scarier.

9. Oprah controls the world.

10. Mr Milburn, this excerpt from a reported essay is for you (original spelling and grammar unchanged, emphasis mine.):

"Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is."

Top 10 Things I Have Written In My Notes While Zoning Out

Nothing against Mr. Reid, but most of these were taken during Art History. It's so dark, right after lunch, and totally conducive to nodding off.

Also, when I'm half-conscious, my mind combines dreams with reality. Hence the following insanity.

1. Christianity spread from Constantinople and the image of Jesus changed. He became a holy lollipop.

2. He became enlightened after somebody chopped off his bamboo stick.

3. After the compromise, they created the manifesto of destiny. Stalin not pleased.

4. (I was REALLY dozing off here) Vishnu....reclines half-nude....smiles at viewer.....such an exhibitionist...has boobs.

5. Eucharist - Christ is literally the bread. The halo around his head represents the wafer. Therefore, Jesus is a cracker.

6. Make members diagonally, sharper at ends. Stab through head.

7. tan(x) = not enough sunscreen.

8. He rose from the dead and then murdered his mother with a piece of bread.

9. His long earlobes and bushy eyebrows were forces of nature.

10. The temples were covered with raving animals and naked women. (Not exactly false, either. XD)

Top 10 Reasons I am an Atheist

This is not meant to be offensive, and I am not giving reasons why Christians or those of other religions should be atheist. Out of my 5 best friends, 3 are extremely devout Christians, 1 is a self-described "lazy Christian", and 1 is atheist.

1. I thought Sunday school was storytime, and everything read aloud was fiction for the first year of my attendance.

2. I read about the Greek myths before I ever learned anything from the Bible, so I thought the Bible was full of myths too (which is untrue; some events actually happened, or at least metaphorically and not as exaggerated).

3. I asked my Sunday school teacher why Zeus was supposed to be fake and God was supposed to be real. He gave me a bad answer that even I, at 7 years old, could see through. I later asked this question to a Christian friend of mine, though, and she gave me an excellent and well-evidenced answer that I liked. So here it's not the religion itself, but the person explaining it.

4. I wrote a letter to God, but he never replied. My kindergartener heart was broken. I also wrote a letter to the tooth fairy, but she never replied either.

5. Because I didn't know at the time it was "bad" to be atheist. People are bigoted against us (Elizabeth Dole, Kay Hagan issue?), but at the time that I realized I was an atheist I wasn't aware of that.

6. Science.

7. I overheard two pastors arguing about gay rights. One said he was for it, and the other said he was against it. They both cited plenty of evidence from the Bible, and both interpretations were valid. At that moment I realized that religion can be changed by how religious leaders interpret it, and there's no true "pure form".

8. I accidentally picked up a grown-up's Bible when I was 9 and flipped to one part about rape, and another where there was obviously no rights for women. This bothered me.

9. Yuan Tao. She asked me if I was Christian one day. I said no. That was the first time I said it aloud, and somehow, it made it truer.

10. I asked God to save a friend of mine from getting cancer. I wasn't asking for a good day, a pony, or anything for myself, so "selfish gain at the cost of others" can be ruled out. But my friend got cancer and had to move to New York. Later, when I talked to her, she mentioned she was no longer a devout Christian. When I asked her why, she said that her pastors told her God was testing her. But other things the pastors said conflicted with his Sunday sermons of God punishing only non-Christians, and one can only come back from tragedy with a stronger bond with God.

A Significant Add-on

I was talking to a friend, Jake, in the hallway today, lounging around before school started. I don't remember what exactly we were talking about, but the topic of us both being atheists popped up. A nearby student overheard us, and joined in our conversation.

Even though I've encountered my share of the crazier religious people, I was still surprised to see somebody my age so deeply entrenched in Christianity and his bigoted attitude toward not only those that are atheists and agnositcs, but of other religions as well (I found this out after relating the following conversation to a Buddhist friend). Normally, I get the "It's okay if you're not Christian, as long as you're religious" approach, but this was completely different. He nearly started attacking my friend and me.

Unfortunately, the student picked the absolute worst people he could have chosen to argue with, because my friend and I were both exhausted from studying, and are rather laid back and don't provoke easily though Jake began to get (to my amusement) more and more irritated today.

Me: blah blah blah atheist blah blah
Him: You're atheist?
Me: Yup.
Jake: Me too.
Him: You know you're going to go to Hell for that, right?
Me: I don't really believe Hell exists, so....you might as well be telling me that I'm going to Azkaban or Mordor for the rest of my life.
Him: You're denying the truth.
Jake: (shoots rays of apathy) If we are, why is is such a big deal to you?
Him: Just telling you that you're making a bad decision here.
Me: Oh, okay. Thank you for telling us.

*awkward silence on his part*

Him: Have you ever been to church?
Me: Yes, I've gone from first grade to fifth grade.
Him: And yet you're still not Christian?
Me: Yup.
Him: I'm telling you you're going to regret that for the rest of your life. When you die, you're never going to be able to enter Heaven at all.
Jake: (under his breath) And you are?
Me: Please don't try to convince me to be Christian using arguments that I don't believe exist.
Him: There should honestly be a commandment against not being a Christian.
Jake: There should also be a commandment against being an annoying idiot.
Him: You shouldn't insult me. (This was the oddest thing I've heard as a rebuttal, but to the poor kid's credit, his only arguments to support himself seemed to be "You're going to Hell", and he was running out of repetition power.)
Jake: In that case, don't insult me by believing that I'll listen to your stupidity.

After this, the kid had his own moment of awkward silence, and walked away. Jake and I began to talk about how random his butting in had been, and Jake said, "He should be able to believe what he believes, and I should be able to believe what I believe. And then everybody should stop bugging each other about it."

I agree with that point, but with an add-on.

People should be able to believe what they believe, and not let that affect others in what those others perceive as a negative way.

I'm not completely against religion - I've seen it help people, and raise their self-esteem and just generally make them happier with life. I've seen agnostics who, after Christian friends worked their influence, became religious. I'm really fine with pamphlet-passing and Bible-giving, and though it can get kind of annoying on occasion, it's never hurt me physically or mentally.

What I'm against is violence caused by religion, or constant harassment in extreme ways to start going to church. A kind suggestion, a couple of flyers - I'm perfectly fine with that because I realize that Christians get something from their religion and want to spread the goodness. After all, if I encountered something that bettered my life, I'd like to share it too. What I'm against is when they try forcibly for you to take this "goodness", because religion isn't for everybody. Whereas it helped my best friend rebuild his life, it created a huge strain on one of my other friends before she became atheistic. There are limitations to human beings, and one of them is the extent of belief. If we are doubters, then don't punish us for being that way. I'm rather sure that Christians don't want to be punished for being Christian, either.

It's almost sad.

This is a conversation I had with a classmate that began over the answers on her test. I've kept the basic subject matter and words exchanged, but naturally, my ego and her astounding stupidity made me emphasize the difference between our brain functioning.

But she did talk like a valley girl, so much so that I was seriously concerned over whether she was doing it on purpose.

Me: Good job! You got a 90.
Her: *looks at her paper* Wait....but I got this question right.
Me: No, the answer was "Christianity and Islam."
Her: Okay, I'll admit that "Catholicism" wasn't right then...because Christianity and Catholicism are two different religions...but like, Islam and Muslim is the same thing.
Me: *falter* Er. Firstly, Catholicism is a part of Christianity - they're not separate entities, and besides, the correct sect would have been Protestantism. Secondly, Islam is a religion, and Muslim is a person that believes in Islam.
Her: *skeptical* Ummm....what are you saying? I'm Catholic. I know that they're two separate en - enet - tits - thingies.
Me: I'm an atheist, so I don't go to church and all that, but at least I know that they're not separate.
Her: Er, you kind of admitted that you know nothing about religion, so why do you think you're right?

My atheist classmates start listening to me here, a little shocked to be hearing this.

Me:.....being an atheist means that I don't believe in a God or affiliate with a religion, but it doesn't mean I don't know anything about the Bible or religious history. The basic facts are that Christianity existed for a very long time before Martin Luther came along sometime before the Renaissance, objected against the Church, and "protested" against paying for indulgences and whatnot. The Church was pissed and the two groups separated into Catholicism and Protestantism.
Her: Um, is this some kind of joke?
Me: I - I'm sorry, what?
Her: Martin Luther lived in the 1900's. That's after the Renaissance, right? And he did civil rights and stuff, not religion.
Me: (At this point, I'm struggling not to stab myself with the pen I'm holding.) No, that's a different Martin Luther. But the point is that Catholicism and Protestantism are under the umbrella of Christianity, like rabbits and dogs are under the umbrella of mammals.
Her: Okay, whatever. Stop making stuff up. It's so obvious that you're wrong.
Me: No, you can go look it up.
Her: And prove you wrong. Do you have something against me or what that I'm Christian?
Me: *can't wait to move away from Texas* No, no way. One of my best friends is devoutly Protestant, and the other is super Catholic. (And my third best friend is hardcore atheist.)
Her: Sure they are. But anyway, I don't see how Islam and Muslim matter.
Me: The question asked to which religions did the Parthenon serve through history. Muslim can't be an answer because it's the people, and everybody should know this since the terms have become more commonplace after 9/11. That's why you can't get credit for it...since it's kind of common sense.
Her: Oh my God, this is so unfair. I'm taking this to the teacher. Stupid atheists.

-Our teacher is Catholic, and has mentioned so a couple of times.-

The Teacher: Sorry, I can't give you points back. This stuff should be obvious.
Her: *pouts*
The atheists in the room: *triumphant*
People who hate her in the room, ergo, everybody: PWNED.