Top 10 Quotes That Make Me the Best Set-Up

After a particularly embarrassing conversation with Robby, he mentioned that I was probably the best set-up for "that's what she said jokes", and listed a few instances. And then after recounting this incident to another friend, he told me that I say things without thinking and they often come out painfully comic. So, here is a tribute to my naivete.

1. (referring to a sine graph set on radians, which Kevin helped me set up.) "Wow, why is it so long? And big."

2. (referring to boba latte) "I like the ones with the big balls."

3. (referring to odd stains on my backpack) "There's weird white crusty splotches on it."

4. (after saying number 3 and being roundly laughed at, Robby mentions that the splotches aren't white, but rather red. And I go on to say...) "Well, it was certainly white last night."

5. (referring to a kind of clay) "You have to rub it for a very long time. And if you do it right, it'll harden up pretty quickly."

6. (playing with my friend's knitted creation) "I thought you said it would be stiffer. It feels kind of floppy to me."

7. (referring to a piano technique) "In this instance, it's better to slide your fingers slowly over it, one by one."

8. (when asked what was the ruckus down the hall) "I'm not too sure. I heard a lot of banging on the wall and shouting though."

9. (My friend and I were sucking on lolipops - yeah, I know - and he finishes way before I do.) "Dang, your tongue is fast."

10. (referring to the different sizes of the basketballs) "Why are all the black balls two times bigger than the others?"

Overheard Conversation: Boobs

These were two very straight and very masculine guys I overheard. And a random but awesome girl.

Guy: You've got manboobs.
Dude: Look who's talking.
Guy: (pokes his chest) I know. They've been getting pretty big.
Dude: I think you might need a bra.
Guy: Not as much as you do. You're probably a C at this point.
Dude: (fondles his boob thoughtfully) Yeah, you're probably right.
Guy: I mean, you're bigger than most of the girls at our school.
Random Girl: Really? (Grabs herself and Dude's left manboob to compare) Oh my god, you're right. (Squeezes once or twice)
Dude: I'm going lingerie shopping tomorrow now.
Guy: I'm coming with you.
The Bus Driver: (snorts)

Morbidly Funny

I've edited the conversation a bit to make it flow a bit better, but this conversation allegedly happened. If you don't get the humor at first, then say the first line aloud.

Taylor: I want to try Bawls.
Dad: You want to try what?
Taylor: You know...Bawls...the energy drink.
Dad: Oh thank God.
Taylor: (dot dot dot)
Dad: I thought I raised you wrong for a moment.
Taylor: (dot dot dot)
Dad: I was about to get my gun.
Taylor: (OMG DOT DOT DOT)

I don't understand myself

I like to think myself as completely different from a Mary Sue character in a cheesy 60's novel that keeps getting rejected by a dark and mysterious guy, only to keep returning to grovel at his Gucci-loafered feet while he disdainfully looks on.

Recently, however, my behavior has been quite to the contrary (but don't get me wrong - I think loafers are fugly).

There's this friend of mine that I've known since sixth grade. Right now, I'm S, and he's K. I'd say that we've been best friends until ninth grade - and at that point, K considered me to still be his best friend, but my fondness for him began to wane because of his self-centeredness and lack of tact. We had a few fights over the silliest things that he was creating an unnecessary amount of drama over, and each time I kind of promised myself that an idiot like him wasn't worth any of my emotional expense.

And yet each time, I forgave him. I hated it afterwards for allowing him to whore out my feelings like he did, but it seems like I've become some ridiculous damsel in distress that everybody can bend this way and that (no dirty jokes, please =]). I know I have a spine, and I always stand up fiercely for what I believe in, but my spine seems to wilt a little every time I see or talk to him. He doesn't deserve all my second chances and forgiveness, but I always give in to him and I realize how destructive it's being to me.

I mean, this is the kind of behavior that battered housewives that never leave their abusive husbands have.

So while I like to think that I have a strong will and I'm stubborn, my actions from whenever I'm around this guy completely contradicts it. I can promise myself all I want that I'll change the way I regard him, but it never happens. I need to find the strength to oppose him and realize that his presence is detrimental to me.

At this point though, I'm too used to this whole cycle to really feel as if it's urgent to change. Since I barely see him at all anymore, I suppose I'll just keep bending this way and that for him until we both go our separate ways in college.

Teenaged Idiots

So I was walking around my school today, lost again as I searched for my Physics class, when this happened:

RANDOM SENIOR: (taps me on the shoulder) Um, excuse me.
ME: Yes?
RS: (takes a deep breath) Will you - will you go out with me?
ME: (inwardly dies) Oh. Wow. I - I'm really sorry, but...I don't know who you are.
RS: I sit behind you in Chemistry.
ME: ...I don't take Chemistry...I take Physics. (runs away)

What scares me is that this guy likes a girl that he doesn't even quite know what she looks like, and then has enough nerve to try to ask her (me?) out. I was torn between laughing at him and weeping for mankind.

But apparently, there's a senior at my high school that looks peculiarly like me. I'm not surprised - in a building of about 8,000 juniors and seniors, there's bound to be a few people that look similar.

I just feel sorry for the guy now. XD

Boobs, Tits, Breasts, Ta-Tas

Women and men are very similar in physical stature.

From behind, we look the same - assuming that we aren't using hair length to determine gender. Perhaps males will be a few inches taller than females - but otherwise, there's little visual difference that a person who isn't a doctor can discern.

From the front, however, there are a few obvious differences. Males have a few lower bits, and women have a few upper bits. And this post refers to the upper bits.

Aside from said upper bits (and perhaps happy trails as well), womens' torsos and mens' torsos are quite similar. It's just that women have two lumps of fatty flesh protruding from theirs'. In the end, that's really what they are - unless you have implants, in which case they are two lumps of plastic surrounded by fat stretched over them.

I'm sure that sounds extremely arousing.

Good heavens, they have little purpose except for, scientifically, making milk. Cultural-wise, their purpose is to make guys make odd squeezing gestures when a particularly large pair passes by, or to make Pamela Anderson famous. Additionally, they are a source of low self-esteem. Girls will look at themselves in the mirror and wish they have bigger ones. The ones who do have bigger ones wish they have smaller ones, because as enticing as a pair of bouncing mounds of fat are to guys, it's quite painful for women.

Get over it. They're breasts, big deal.