"HELP! My son is emo and turning gay! What to do?!?!"

Have a laugh.

I certainly did!

It's almost sad.

This is a conversation I had with a classmate that began over the answers on her test. I've kept the basic subject matter and words exchanged, but naturally, my ego and her astounding stupidity made me emphasize the difference between our brain functioning.

But she did talk like a valley girl, so much so that I was seriously concerned over whether she was doing it on purpose.

Me: Good job! You got a 90.
Her: *looks at her paper* Wait....but I got this question right.
Me: No, the answer was "Christianity and Islam."
Her: Okay, I'll admit that "Catholicism" wasn't right then...because Christianity and Catholicism are two different religions...but like, Islam and Muslim is the same thing.
Me: *falter* Er. Firstly, Catholicism is a part of Christianity - they're not separate entities, and besides, the correct sect would have been Protestantism. Secondly, Islam is a religion, and Muslim is a person that believes in Islam.
Her: *skeptical* Ummm....what are you saying? I'm Catholic. I know that they're two separate en - enet - tits - thingies.
Me: I'm an atheist, so I don't go to church and all that, but at least I know that they're not separate.
Her: Er, you kind of admitted that you know nothing about religion, so why do you think you're right?

My atheist classmates start listening to me here, a little shocked to be hearing this.

Me:.....being an atheist means that I don't believe in a God or affiliate with a religion, but it doesn't mean I don't know anything about the Bible or religious history. The basic facts are that Christianity existed for a very long time before Martin Luther came along sometime before the Renaissance, objected against the Church, and "protested" against paying for indulgences and whatnot. The Church was pissed and the two groups separated into Catholicism and Protestantism.
Her: Um, is this some kind of joke?
Me: I - I'm sorry, what?
Her: Martin Luther lived in the 1900's. That's after the Renaissance, right? And he did civil rights and stuff, not religion.
Me: (At this point, I'm struggling not to stab myself with the pen I'm holding.) No, that's a different Martin Luther. But the point is that Catholicism and Protestantism are under the umbrella of Christianity, like rabbits and dogs are under the umbrella of mammals.
Her: Okay, whatever. Stop making stuff up. It's so obvious that you're wrong.
Me: No, you can go look it up.
Her: And prove you wrong. Do you have something against me or what that I'm Christian?
Me: *can't wait to move away from Texas* No, no way. One of my best friends is devoutly Protestant, and the other is super Catholic. (And my third best friend is hardcore atheist.)
Her: Sure they are. But anyway, I don't see how Islam and Muslim matter.
Me: The question asked to which religions did the Parthenon serve through history. Muslim can't be an answer because it's the people, and everybody should know this since the terms have become more commonplace after 9/11. That's why you can't get credit for it...since it's kind of common sense.
Her: Oh my God, this is so unfair. I'm taking this to the teacher. Stupid atheists.

-Our teacher is Catholic, and has mentioned so a couple of times.-

The Teacher: Sorry, I can't give you points back. This stuff should be obvious.
Her: *pouts*
The atheists in the room: *triumphant*
People who hate her in the room, ergo, everybody: PWNED.

"I want a boob job! Let's kill your mom!"

WTF HAVE WE COME TO?!

Overheard Conversation: Boobs

These were two very straight and very masculine guys I overheard. And a random but awesome girl.

Guy: You've got manboobs.
Dude: Look who's talking.
Guy: (pokes his chest) I know. They've been getting pretty big.
Dude: I think you might need a bra.
Guy: Not as much as you do. You're probably a C at this point.
Dude: (fondles his boob thoughtfully) Yeah, you're probably right.
Guy: I mean, you're bigger than most of the girls at our school.
Random Girl: Really? (Grabs herself and Dude's left manboob to compare) Oh my god, you're right. (Squeezes once or twice)
Dude: I'm going lingerie shopping tomorrow now.
Guy: I'm coming with you.
The Bus Driver: (snorts)

Morbidly Funny

I've edited the conversation a bit to make it flow a bit better, but this conversation allegedly happened. If you don't get the humor at first, then say the first line aloud.

Taylor: I want to try Bawls.
Dad: You want to try what?
Taylor: You know...Bawls...the energy drink.
Dad: Oh thank God.
Taylor: (dot dot dot)
Dad: I thought I raised you wrong for a moment.
Taylor: (dot dot dot)
Dad: I was about to get my gun.
Taylor: (OMG DOT DOT DOT)

Can I have some help with this?

I want to know if these shoes would be permissible in PESH school dress code.

If so.........8D 8D 8D

Top 10 ELF Gripes/I want to be a hooker for Halloween now.

When I got home, I noticed I had an email advertising "50% Off Lips", which is a tragically grammatically incorrect sentence. It sounds like somebody's waiting for you at the door with an ax, ready to chop off your suckaa. Or having $28496 worth of Botox being siphoned away from your lips.

ANYWAY, I clicked on the email.

And I was greeted with this absurdity:



....yeah.

1. All my fellow ABBers, y'all know how sucky elf's pigmentation is. I'm pretty sure that if you slapped yourself in the face, it would give you more color than an entire cake of elf blush. Do you honestly believe that they used elf products in this? I remember sometime a while back, somebody posted pictures on their blog that both elf and a more respected makeup line was using as their look advertisements. =/ DISHONESTY, NATCH.

2. Look at her jawline. Obviously the makeup artists at elf aren't good enough to match her face color to her neck. Or, she has a beard. How sexy.

2. That's not a "healthy glow", that's a face that's been dipped into a vat of Crisco.

3. Her blush extends past her temples. However, I must now complement the elf MA's if they were trying to imitate a nasty sunburn. It looks quite realistic, I must say.

4. If viewed on a dim screen, her face goes entirely black, except for the insane highlight on her browbone. It's ridiculously bright and screams out at me like a lighthouse ready to rape somebody.

5. Why is it showing us the lipstick's ass there? Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against ass. But that is not ass that I would want to - or could - tap.

6. I realize that in some instances, raccoon eyes are sexy. This is not one of those times. She looks like a 50's housewife that's just been punched in the face.

7. Elf lippies are a joke. They smell odd and they stay on for the nanosecond that the brush touches your lips. Then they evaporate into the air, never to be seen again. It's like elf has found the magic behind Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and applied it to all their lippies.

8. The incredibly deep pigmentation of her eyeshadow in no way matches the quality of elf's eyeshadow, unless you take the entire pan and rub your eye vigorously with it.

9. They forgot to clean up the photoshop lines.

10. Elf is already cheap, so if you make the lippies cheaper...I'm pretty sure at this point you could cleave a penny in half and get your worth.

But on another note, this has inspired me to be a hooker for Halloween. I mean, who doesn't want to look like a caked-on face sweaty from hours of crappy sex? It's obvious that this gorgeous woman is supposed to be my role model and that I should follow her steps into great hooker-dom.

But I'll be sure to use NARS when I do.