Top 10 Things I've Learned On Television

1. How, if you have no eyelid crease and are asian, to stab a toothpick into your lid so you can look more Caucasian.

2. Bill O'Reilly does not know what a panda is.

3. Looking back, those kiddie Disney movies had way too many crafty innuendos to count.

4. Jesus is fond of appearing on dog's butts, slimy bathroom mildew, and mold in uncleaned garages.

5. FOX News is an excellent example of Poe's Law, because I once watched it and momentarily thought it was a portion of The Colbert Report.

6. If there was a terrible accident but the person miraculously survived, it's always from God's grace, although nobody explains why God would have let the accident transpire in the first place.

7. Every time I bump fists with a friend, we both, for a nanosecond, become terrorists.

8. The jowlier the politician, the scarier.

9. Oprah controls the world.

10. Mr Milburn, this excerpt from a reported essay is for you (original spelling and grammar unchanged, emphasis mine.):

"Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is."

Top 10 Quotes That Make Me the Best Set-Up

After a particularly embarrassing conversation with Robby, he mentioned that I was probably the best set-up for "that's what she said jokes", and listed a few instances. And then after recounting this incident to another friend, he told me that I say things without thinking and they often come out painfully comic. So, here is a tribute to my naivete.

1. (referring to a sine graph set on radians, which Kevin helped me set up.) "Wow, why is it so long? And big."

2. (referring to boba latte) "I like the ones with the big balls."

3. (referring to odd stains on my backpack) "There's weird white crusty splotches on it."

4. (after saying number 3 and being roundly laughed at, Robby mentions that the splotches aren't white, but rather red. And I go on to say...) "Well, it was certainly white last night."

5. (referring to a kind of clay) "You have to rub it for a very long time. And if you do it right, it'll harden up pretty quickly."

6. (playing with my friend's knitted creation) "I thought you said it would be stiffer. It feels kind of floppy to me."

7. (referring to a piano technique) "In this instance, it's better to slide your fingers slowly over it, one by one."

8. (when asked what was the ruckus down the hall) "I'm not too sure. I heard a lot of banging on the wall and shouting though."

9. (My friend and I were sucking on lolipops - yeah, I know - and he finishes way before I do.) "Dang, your tongue is fast."

10. (referring to the different sizes of the basketballs) "Why are all the black balls two times bigger than the others?"

It's almost sad.

This is a conversation I had with a classmate that began over the answers on her test. I've kept the basic subject matter and words exchanged, but naturally, my ego and her astounding stupidity made me emphasize the difference between our brain functioning.

But she did talk like a valley girl, so much so that I was seriously concerned over whether she was doing it on purpose.

Me: Good job! You got a 90.
Her: *looks at her paper* Wait....but I got this question right.
Me: No, the answer was "Christianity and Islam."
Her: Okay, I'll admit that "Catholicism" wasn't right then...because Christianity and Catholicism are two different religions...but like, Islam and Muslim is the same thing.
Me: *falter* Er. Firstly, Catholicism is a part of Christianity - they're not separate entities, and besides, the correct sect would have been Protestantism. Secondly, Islam is a religion, and Muslim is a person that believes in Islam.
Her: *skeptical* Ummm....what are you saying? I'm Catholic. I know that they're two separate en - enet - tits - thingies.
Me: I'm an atheist, so I don't go to church and all that, but at least I know that they're not separate.
Her: Er, you kind of admitted that you know nothing about religion, so why do you think you're right?

My atheist classmates start listening to me here, a little shocked to be hearing this.

Me:.....being an atheist means that I don't believe in a God or affiliate with a religion, but it doesn't mean I don't know anything about the Bible or religious history. The basic facts are that Christianity existed for a very long time before Martin Luther came along sometime before the Renaissance, objected against the Church, and "protested" against paying for indulgences and whatnot. The Church was pissed and the two groups separated into Catholicism and Protestantism.
Her: Um, is this some kind of joke?
Me: I - I'm sorry, what?
Her: Martin Luther lived in the 1900's. That's after the Renaissance, right? And he did civil rights and stuff, not religion.
Me: (At this point, I'm struggling not to stab myself with the pen I'm holding.) No, that's a different Martin Luther. But the point is that Catholicism and Protestantism are under the umbrella of Christianity, like rabbits and dogs are under the umbrella of mammals.
Her: Okay, whatever. Stop making stuff up. It's so obvious that you're wrong.
Me: No, you can go look it up.
Her: And prove you wrong. Do you have something against me or what that I'm Christian?
Me: *can't wait to move away from Texas* No, no way. One of my best friends is devoutly Protestant, and the other is super Catholic. (And my third best friend is hardcore atheist.)
Her: Sure they are. But anyway, I don't see how Islam and Muslim matter.
Me: The question asked to which religions did the Parthenon serve through history. Muslim can't be an answer because it's the people, and everybody should know this since the terms have become more commonplace after 9/11. That's why you can't get credit for it...since it's kind of common sense.
Her: Oh my God, this is so unfair. I'm taking this to the teacher. Stupid atheists.

-Our teacher is Catholic, and has mentioned so a couple of times.-

The Teacher: Sorry, I can't give you points back. This stuff should be obvious.
Her: *pouts*
The atheists in the room: *triumphant*
People who hate her in the room, ergo, everybody: PWNED.

"I want a boob job! Let's kill your mom!"

WTF HAVE WE COME TO?!

Overheard Conversation: Boobs

These were two very straight and very masculine guys I overheard. And a random but awesome girl.

Guy: You've got manboobs.
Dude: Look who's talking.
Guy: (pokes his chest) I know. They've been getting pretty big.
Dude: I think you might need a bra.
Guy: Not as much as you do. You're probably a C at this point.
Dude: (fondles his boob thoughtfully) Yeah, you're probably right.
Guy: I mean, you're bigger than most of the girls at our school.
Random Girl: Really? (Grabs herself and Dude's left manboob to compare) Oh my god, you're right. (Squeezes once or twice)
Dude: I'm going lingerie shopping tomorrow now.
Guy: I'm coming with you.
The Bus Driver: (snorts)

Morbidly Funny

I've edited the conversation a bit to make it flow a bit better, but this conversation allegedly happened. If you don't get the humor at first, then say the first line aloud.

Taylor: I want to try Bawls.
Dad: You want to try what?
Taylor: You know...Bawls...the energy drink.
Dad: Oh thank God.
Taylor: (dot dot dot)
Dad: I thought I raised you wrong for a moment.
Taylor: (dot dot dot)
Dad: I was about to get my gun.
Taylor: (OMG DOT DOT DOT)