Top 10 Quotes That Make Me the Best Set-Up

After a particularly embarrassing conversation with Robby, he mentioned that I was probably the best set-up for "that's what she said jokes", and listed a few instances. And then after recounting this incident to another friend, he told me that I say things without thinking and they often come out painfully comic. So, here is a tribute to my naivete.

1. (referring to a sine graph set on radians, which Kevin helped me set up.) "Wow, why is it so long? And big."

2. (referring to boba latte) "I like the ones with the big balls."

3. (referring to odd stains on my backpack) "There's weird white crusty splotches on it."

4. (after saying number 3 and being roundly laughed at, Robby mentions that the splotches aren't white, but rather red. And I go on to say...) "Well, it was certainly white last night."

5. (referring to a kind of clay) "You have to rub it for a very long time. And if you do it right, it'll harden up pretty quickly."

6. (playing with my friend's knitted creation) "I thought you said it would be stiffer. It feels kind of floppy to me."

7. (referring to a piano technique) "In this instance, it's better to slide your fingers slowly over it, one by one."

8. (when asked what was the ruckus down the hall) "I'm not too sure. I heard a lot of banging on the wall and shouting though."

9. (My friend and I were sucking on lolipops - yeah, I know - and he finishes way before I do.) "Dang, your tongue is fast."

10. (referring to the different sizes of the basketballs) "Why are all the black balls two times bigger than the others?"

It's almost sad.

This is a conversation I had with a classmate that began over the answers on her test. I've kept the basic subject matter and words exchanged, but naturally, my ego and her astounding stupidity made me emphasize the difference between our brain functioning.

But she did talk like a valley girl, so much so that I was seriously concerned over whether she was doing it on purpose.

Me: Good job! You got a 90.
Her: *looks at her paper* Wait....but I got this question right.
Me: No, the answer was "Christianity and Islam."
Her: Okay, I'll admit that "Catholicism" wasn't right then...because Christianity and Catholicism are two different religions...but like, Islam and Muslim is the same thing.
Me: *falter* Er. Firstly, Catholicism is a part of Christianity - they're not separate entities, and besides, the correct sect would have been Protestantism. Secondly, Islam is a religion, and Muslim is a person that believes in Islam.
Her: *skeptical* Ummm....what are you saying? I'm Catholic. I know that they're two separate en - enet - tits - thingies.
Me: I'm an atheist, so I don't go to church and all that, but at least I know that they're not separate.
Her: Er, you kind of admitted that you know nothing about religion, so why do you think you're right?

My atheist classmates start listening to me here, a little shocked to be hearing this.

Me:.....being an atheist means that I don't believe in a God or affiliate with a religion, but it doesn't mean I don't know anything about the Bible or religious history. The basic facts are that Christianity existed for a very long time before Martin Luther came along sometime before the Renaissance, objected against the Church, and "protested" against paying for indulgences and whatnot. The Church was pissed and the two groups separated into Catholicism and Protestantism.
Her: Um, is this some kind of joke?
Me: I - I'm sorry, what?
Her: Martin Luther lived in the 1900's. That's after the Renaissance, right? And he did civil rights and stuff, not religion.
Me: (At this point, I'm struggling not to stab myself with the pen I'm holding.) No, that's a different Martin Luther. But the point is that Catholicism and Protestantism are under the umbrella of Christianity, like rabbits and dogs are under the umbrella of mammals.
Her: Okay, whatever. Stop making stuff up. It's so obvious that you're wrong.
Me: No, you can go look it up.
Her: And prove you wrong. Do you have something against me or what that I'm Christian?
Me: *can't wait to move away from Texas* No, no way. One of my best friends is devoutly Protestant, and the other is super Catholic. (And my third best friend is hardcore atheist.)
Her: Sure they are. But anyway, I don't see how Islam and Muslim matter.
Me: The question asked to which religions did the Parthenon serve through history. Muslim can't be an answer because it's the people, and everybody should know this since the terms have become more commonplace after 9/11. That's why you can't get credit for it...since it's kind of common sense.
Her: Oh my God, this is so unfair. I'm taking this to the teacher. Stupid atheists.

-Our teacher is Catholic, and has mentioned so a couple of times.-

The Teacher: Sorry, I can't give you points back. This stuff should be obvious.
Her: *pouts*
The atheists in the room: *triumphant*
People who hate her in the room, ergo, everybody: PWNED.

"I want a boob job! Let's kill your mom!"

WTF HAVE WE COME TO?!

Overheard Conversation: Boobs

These were two very straight and very masculine guys I overheard. And a random but awesome girl.

Guy: You've got manboobs.
Dude: Look who's talking.
Guy: (pokes his chest) I know. They've been getting pretty big.
Dude: I think you might need a bra.
Guy: Not as much as you do. You're probably a C at this point.
Dude: (fondles his boob thoughtfully) Yeah, you're probably right.
Guy: I mean, you're bigger than most of the girls at our school.
Random Girl: Really? (Grabs herself and Dude's left manboob to compare) Oh my god, you're right. (Squeezes once or twice)
Dude: I'm going lingerie shopping tomorrow now.
Guy: I'm coming with you.
The Bus Driver: (snorts)

Top 10 ELF Gripes/I want to be a hooker for Halloween now.

When I got home, I noticed I had an email advertising "50% Off Lips", which is a tragically grammatically incorrect sentence. It sounds like somebody's waiting for you at the door with an ax, ready to chop off your suckaa. Or having $28496 worth of Botox being siphoned away from your lips.

ANYWAY, I clicked on the email.

And I was greeted with this absurdity:



....yeah.

1. All my fellow ABBers, y'all know how sucky elf's pigmentation is. I'm pretty sure that if you slapped yourself in the face, it would give you more color than an entire cake of elf blush. Do you honestly believe that they used elf products in this? I remember sometime a while back, somebody posted pictures on their blog that both elf and a more respected makeup line was using as their look advertisements. =/ DISHONESTY, NATCH.

2. Look at her jawline. Obviously the makeup artists at elf aren't good enough to match her face color to her neck. Or, she has a beard. How sexy.

2. That's not a "healthy glow", that's a face that's been dipped into a vat of Crisco.

3. Her blush extends past her temples. However, I must now complement the elf MA's if they were trying to imitate a nasty sunburn. It looks quite realistic, I must say.

4. If viewed on a dim screen, her face goes entirely black, except for the insane highlight on her browbone. It's ridiculously bright and screams out at me like a lighthouse ready to rape somebody.

5. Why is it showing us the lipstick's ass there? Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against ass. But that is not ass that I would want to - or could - tap.

6. I realize that in some instances, raccoon eyes are sexy. This is not one of those times. She looks like a 50's housewife that's just been punched in the face.

7. Elf lippies are a joke. They smell odd and they stay on for the nanosecond that the brush touches your lips. Then they evaporate into the air, never to be seen again. It's like elf has found the magic behind Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and applied it to all their lippies.

8. The incredibly deep pigmentation of her eyeshadow in no way matches the quality of elf's eyeshadow, unless you take the entire pan and rub your eye vigorously with it.

9. They forgot to clean up the photoshop lines.

10. Elf is already cheap, so if you make the lippies cheaper...I'm pretty sure at this point you could cleave a penny in half and get your worth.

But on another note, this has inspired me to be a hooker for Halloween. I mean, who doesn't want to look like a caked-on face sweaty from hours of crappy sex? It's obvious that this gorgeous woman is supposed to be my role model and that I should follow her steps into great hooker-dom.

But I'll be sure to use NARS when I do.

Holy Mother of Buddha*

*note: I have this tagged under "tragedy" for good reasons.

I was at the JROTC Cadet/NCO of the Month inspections, listening in as each cadet was being quizzed. One of the current event questions was, "Who is John McCain's vice presidential pick?" A good question, I thought, if an easy one. After all, these cadets nearly all were planning to go to the Army, so I assumed they would know some chain of command from Washington.

I also thought that given the crazy amount of press she's been given in the past few weeks, people might just know the answer to this innocent little question. You know, just maybe. I could definitely forgive them if they were asked who Sarah Palin was three months ago, and they didn't know the answer. But....she's not some hodunk conservative politician from way over in empty Alaska anymore. She's the Republican veep pick.

The answers we received:

1. Condoleeza Rice?
2. ...I have no idea.
3. Oh man, I forgot her name, but I absolutely know it begins with an M!
4. Joseph Biden.

I mustered up a weak laugh before crawling into a hole underneath the carpet.

HER NAME IS SARAH PALIN. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE HER (I'm not particularly fond of her). BUT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST KNOW WHO THE FUGGERATION SHE IS.

I don't understand myself

I like to think myself as completely different from a Mary Sue character in a cheesy 60's novel that keeps getting rejected by a dark and mysterious guy, only to keep returning to grovel at his Gucci-loafered feet while he disdainfully looks on.

Recently, however, my behavior has been quite to the contrary (but don't get me wrong - I think loafers are fugly).

There's this friend of mine that I've known since sixth grade. Right now, I'm S, and he's K. I'd say that we've been best friends until ninth grade - and at that point, K considered me to still be his best friend, but my fondness for him began to wane because of his self-centeredness and lack of tact. We had a few fights over the silliest things that he was creating an unnecessary amount of drama over, and each time I kind of promised myself that an idiot like him wasn't worth any of my emotional expense.

And yet each time, I forgave him. I hated it afterwards for allowing him to whore out my feelings like he did, but it seems like I've become some ridiculous damsel in distress that everybody can bend this way and that (no dirty jokes, please =]). I know I have a spine, and I always stand up fiercely for what I believe in, but my spine seems to wilt a little every time I see or talk to him. He doesn't deserve all my second chances and forgiveness, but I always give in to him and I realize how destructive it's being to me.

I mean, this is the kind of behavior that battered housewives that never leave their abusive husbands have.

So while I like to think that I have a strong will and I'm stubborn, my actions from whenever I'm around this guy completely contradicts it. I can promise myself all I want that I'll change the way I regard him, but it never happens. I need to find the strength to oppose him and realize that his presence is detrimental to me.

At this point though, I'm too used to this whole cycle to really feel as if it's urgent to change. Since I barely see him at all anymore, I suppose I'll just keep bending this way and that for him until we both go our separate ways in college.

Top 10 Astonishingly Intelligent Ways to Cheat on Tests

1. Copy your notes backwards, because Da Vinci was a mofo. Tape this to the bottom of your desk. Bring a mirror and hold it under your desk to reflect the notes. Surreptitiously glance at it when you need to know the datethat Jimmy Carter was attacked by a deranged rabbit. When your teacher catches you looking at the mirror, tell her that you can't stop admiring your sexy good looks all the time. (James Unteidt, this one is for you, because your teacher would actually believe it. XD)

2. Get a T-shirt with Einstein's picture on it - the one where he has crazy hair and he's sticking out his tongue because he's a mofo. Flip the T-shirt upside down. Inside his crazy hair, write down physics formulas. During the test, look down at the T-shirt when necessary. Your teacher will assume that Einstein's exceptionally insane hair is distracting you, or that you have Tourette's.

3. This one works best if you're sitting close enough to somebody to hear them, but not close enough to see their paper. Both of you learn Morse code, because Samuel Morse was a mofo. During the test, tap Morse on your desk to ask your buddy what the answer is to number 5.

4. Take a fat, clear pen. Take a piece of paper. With tinyass handwriting, write notes on the paper, roll it so the text is facing outwards, and slip it into the pen. During the test, you can closely examine the pen when necessary. Be warned: you'll look like a dork.

5. Wear dark pants. Write on your hand with a light-colored water soluble pen. Look at it when necessary. If your teacher catches you, quickly sneeze wetly into your hand, and subtly slide it on your pants to erase everything. If your teacher sees remnants of ink, say that you had an art project the class before.

6. This works best if you're a girl or a flexible guy (or a guy with literally no balls). Take a slip of paper and write, once again, with tinyass handwriting on it. Tape it to the side of your shoe, and sit with your foot on your seat. Glance down when needed.

7. Take a sheet of notebook paper (preferred, because it has distracting colored lines) and with a pencil, write extremely lightly on it. Put it on your desk during the test and pretend it's your cover sheet.

8. This only works if you have somewhat thick, very long hair - as in, boob-length hair. Wear a bulky jacket. Record your notes by voice and safe it on you iPod. On the day of your test, wear your hair in pigtails and conceal in each pigtail the earbud and wire of your iPod, which you stick inside your jacket. Listen to your notes during the test.

9. Write all your information down. The day of the test, act very, very sick. Before your class period, stick the information somewhere in a nearby bathroom. During the test, claim you are about to throw up and run dramatically out of the room, and go to wherever you hid your information. Don't do this more than thrice.

10. Take your graphing calculator, and push 2nd, and then ALPHA. Write your notes. Leave it on your desk, and glance at it when necessary.

Teenaged Idiots

So I was walking around my school today, lost again as I searched for my Physics class, when this happened:

RANDOM SENIOR: (taps me on the shoulder) Um, excuse me.
ME: Yes?
RS: (takes a deep breath) Will you - will you go out with me?
ME: (inwardly dies) Oh. Wow. I - I'm really sorry, but...I don't know who you are.
RS: I sit behind you in Chemistry.
ME: ...I don't take Chemistry...I take Physics. (runs away)

What scares me is that this guy likes a girl that he doesn't even quite know what she looks like, and then has enough nerve to try to ask her (me?) out. I was torn between laughing at him and weeping for mankind.

But apparently, there's a senior at my high school that looks peculiarly like me. I'm not surprised - in a building of about 8,000 juniors and seniors, there's bound to be a few people that look similar.

I just feel sorry for the guy now. XD

This happens much too often for my taste

P1: Hey, did you hear about John McCain choosing that Alaska governor for VP?
P2: I did! Isn't it crazy?
P1: I know! Alaska? What the hell is he trying to do? I mean, it's such a stupid tactic. All the feminists will vote for him now, just because Palin's a woman.*
P2: Yeah, and McCain can't complain about Obama being inexperienced anymore. I mean, Palin's the epitome of inexperience. She's seriously a risky choice.

___________________
Four hours later

P3: Hey, did you hear about John McCain choosing that Alaska governor for VP?
P2: Yeah, I did! Isn't it crazy?
P3: I know! I'm so excited - I mean, a woman for VP! I wasn't going to vote in this election, but now I totally am. It'd be so cool if I was part of a group that could break that glass ceiling, you know.
P2: Totally. And Palin's a really good candidate too - have you read about all her actions for reformations? The Republicans are lucky to have someone like her.

PICK A SIDE, PEOPLE.

It's great and all if you don't want to politically offend the person you're talking to, but why this? Be honest and tactful. Don't, in Emerson's words, be a parrot of somebody else and agree with everything they say. It's disrespecting your own brain, and it shows that you no confidence in yourself to form your own thoughts that you can stand up with. Parroting somebody else makes you look like an imbecile.

Do what you wish politicians would do and start actually forming an opinion that you'll stick to.

*sidenote: P1 was a female. She said what she did because she thought that McCain was just trying to sway the numerous women who wouldn't take a glance into what Palin's views are, and would simply vote for the Republican ticket because there was a woman there. Sadly, I've seen evidence of this already happening.