Top 10 Things I've Said That Windows Vista Has Mistaken For Other Things

The first word/phrase is what I said. The second is what Windows put down.

1. Shut up already - Republican

2. Hello there - Hitler

3. My intentions were good. - My intestines were good.

4. Beautiful - Booty gull

5. (A sneeze) - Screw you

6. Spoonerism - Booming licks

7. Colbert - Jesus

8. (Laughing uncontrollably at number 7 while little brother said, "What's that?") - Admission to suck what cat

9. President Bush - Resident Tush

10. Government - Covered shame

Top 10 Things I've Learned On Television

1. How, if you have no eyelid crease and are asian, to stab a toothpick into your lid so you can look more Caucasian.

2. Bill O'Reilly does not know what a panda is.

3. Looking back, those kiddie Disney movies had way too many crafty innuendos to count.

4. Jesus is fond of appearing on dog's butts, slimy bathroom mildew, and mold in uncleaned garages.

5. FOX News is an excellent example of Poe's Law, because I once watched it and momentarily thought it was a portion of The Colbert Report.

6. If there was a terrible accident but the person miraculously survived, it's always from God's grace, although nobody explains why God would have let the accident transpire in the first place.

7. Every time I bump fists with a friend, we both, for a nanosecond, become terrorists.

8. The jowlier the politician, the scarier.

9. Oprah controls the world.

10. Mr Milburn, this excerpt from a reported essay is for you (original spelling and grammar unchanged, emphasis mine.):

"Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is."

Top 10 Things I Have Written In My Notes While Zoning Out

Nothing against Mr. Reid, but most of these were taken during Art History. It's so dark, right after lunch, and totally conducive to nodding off.

Also, when I'm half-conscious, my mind combines dreams with reality. Hence the following insanity.

1. Christianity spread from Constantinople and the image of Jesus changed. He became a holy lollipop.

2. He became enlightened after somebody chopped off his bamboo stick.

3. After the compromise, they created the manifesto of destiny. Stalin not pleased.

4. (I was REALLY dozing off here) Vishnu....reclines half-nude....smiles at viewer.....such an exhibitionist...has boobs.

5. Eucharist - Christ is literally the bread. The halo around his head represents the wafer. Therefore, Jesus is a cracker.

6. Make members diagonally, sharper at ends. Stab through head.

7. tan(x) = not enough sunscreen.

8. He rose from the dead and then murdered his mother with a piece of bread.

9. His long earlobes and bushy eyebrows were forces of nature.

10. The temples were covered with raving animals and naked women. (Not exactly false, either. XD)

Top 10 Quotes That Make Me Laugh

For some of them, I remember who said what and thusly credited them.

1. Give me one of those love smoothies.

2. That bug was bigger than God. It was a mountain! ..................wait. ~Yuan

3. My last wishes? I would like a cold beer and a stripper. Both of them preferably blonde. ~JL

4. Don't deflower my panda! (I have no idea why or how I remember this.)

5. Mom, it's okay. He's nice, polite, AND he's white and Republican.* ~Marianne

6. Where'd this milk come from? Christie? (Nope) Charlotte? (Not me) Did it come from.....God? (cue angels singing and sun shining) ~Heather

7. ....and then the test results came back and no, I didn't have a cold, I had an STD. Then I had to tell my mother and she started screaming at me for being a manwhore. And then a week later I looked at the test results again and realized that they weren't /my/ test results, they were my mother's.

....So I had a nice fall break. ~Ying

8. I'll even miss the potatoes. ~Hannah (I remember the most random things)

9. Nietzche is dead. ~God (If you get this you are a nerd.)

10. So I grabbed my sister's bra, put it on, and put oranges in them and bounced up and down...because I was curious, you know, about how it felt like....and then my sister walked into my room. ~Perry T.

*I noticed that a disproportionate number of my notes involves Republicans. I must secretly be in love with them or something. D:

Top 10 Signs I Had An Asian Thanksgiving

1. No turkey.

2. Nobody ate the white/American dishes.

3. The children were drinking beer.

4. There was actually good karaoke afterwards.

5. Nobody said what they were thankful for.

6. The only remotely traditional dish was mashed sweet potatoes. And that's a Chinese dish too.

7. Beer was drunk out of wineglasses.

8. Nobody understands the sentence, "No thank you, I'm full."

9. The moment somebody left the room, there was intense gossip about that somebody.

10. This morning, my dad took leftovers and made fried rice.

*Bonus sign*
Right after dinner, my mom made my little brother do math homework. o.o

Top 10 Reasons I am an Atheist

This is not meant to be offensive, and I am not giving reasons why Christians or those of other religions should be atheist. Out of my 5 best friends, 3 are extremely devout Christians, 1 is a self-described "lazy Christian", and 1 is atheist.

1. I thought Sunday school was storytime, and everything read aloud was fiction for the first year of my attendance.

2. I read about the Greek myths before I ever learned anything from the Bible, so I thought the Bible was full of myths too (which is untrue; some events actually happened, or at least metaphorically and not as exaggerated).

3. I asked my Sunday school teacher why Zeus was supposed to be fake and God was supposed to be real. He gave me a bad answer that even I, at 7 years old, could see through. I later asked this question to a Christian friend of mine, though, and she gave me an excellent and well-evidenced answer that I liked. So here it's not the religion itself, but the person explaining it.

4. I wrote a letter to God, but he never replied. My kindergartener heart was broken. I also wrote a letter to the tooth fairy, but she never replied either.

5. Because I didn't know at the time it was "bad" to be atheist. People are bigoted against us (Elizabeth Dole, Kay Hagan issue?), but at the time that I realized I was an atheist I wasn't aware of that.

6. Science.

7. I overheard two pastors arguing about gay rights. One said he was for it, and the other said he was against it. They both cited plenty of evidence from the Bible, and both interpretations were valid. At that moment I realized that religion can be changed by how religious leaders interpret it, and there's no true "pure form".

8. I accidentally picked up a grown-up's Bible when I was 9 and flipped to one part about rape, and another where there was obviously no rights for women. This bothered me.

9. Yuan Tao. She asked me if I was Christian one day. I said no. That was the first time I said it aloud, and somehow, it made it truer.

10. I asked God to save a friend of mine from getting cancer. I wasn't asking for a good day, a pony, or anything for myself, so "selfish gain at the cost of others" can be ruled out. But my friend got cancer and had to move to New York. Later, when I talked to her, she mentioned she was no longer a devout Christian. When I asked her why, she said that her pastors told her God was testing her. But other things the pastors said conflicted with his Sunday sermons of God punishing only non-Christians, and one can only come back from tragedy with a stronger bond with God.

Top 10 Things I Think are Ridiculous

1. When my 7-year-old brother corrects me on PreCalc homework.

2. An intelligent, gorgeous, and funny guy that's not taken or gay, but rabidly Republican.

3. The back of your head.

4. SAT's.

5. Creme de la Mer foundation. It's half the size of a half-pint water bottle and costs 120 dollars at cheapest.

6. GPA mongerers.

7. People who think global warming is nonexistent. Not people who think that we aren't causing it, but people who believe it's false.

8. Black lipgloss. And yet, I own a tube. And it's gorgeous.

9. Bonsai kittens.

10. This insanely popular video.

Top 10 Reasons I Actually Try at School

1. I'm in IB, so the environment rubs off on me. Both the procrastinate-on-projects side, and the study-10-hours-daily side. I live an excitingly stressful life.

2. I'm Asian. It's in my genes.

3. I'm already looking back at middle school and severely regretting the fact that I didn't pay attention more. I don't want to be in grad school, thinking of my time at PESH, and wishing I had fallen asleep less often in Spanish.

4. Although this doesn't happen often (I'm not trying to be egotistical or snobby), I get an uncomfortable tingly feeling when somebody references events in history that I should know more about but know barely anything about. In middle school, it was both World Wars. I didn't know which one involved the Holocaust.

5. Because I am the first in my family to have ever spent my childhood in such a wonderful country as America. My parents did not come here for nothing. I owe her good things for a 12-hour plane flight, the pain of childbirth, and the gift of life.

6. Completely shallow and superficial as this sounds, I can't bring myself to feel attracted to somebody who doesn't try at school and isn't in all honors, even if they are the next genius to walk the earth. I like people that push themselves mentally. It only makes sense I hold myself to the same standard as I hold others. Of course, there have been major exceptions to this rule. By this I mean, JL., get off your bootay and use that brilliant mind of yours in ways other than HACKING INTO YOUR FRIENDS' ACCOUNTS.

7. Opportunity.

8. There are times when people see the paper version of you and not the personality version of you. As much as that sucks, I want to have a good record because it's inevitable that will happen.

9. I've begun to notice times I fortuitously learn things. Like taking a decision to read Good Housekeeping (I don't know why) and learning the best way to clean off spilled nail polish is to just let it dry and scrape it off later. I don't want to miss some fact in school that might be useful later.

10. Unless the anybody is extremely dumb his or herself, I don't see how being academically stunted is attractive to anybody.

*Bonus Reason*

Because I promised my piano teacher that I would take everything out of life that I could.

Top 10 things I hate

1. When people tell me negative gossip about a certain person that I'm friends with. Not because I'll personally be offended, but every time I talk to them afterward, I'll be thinking about the bit of nasty news.

2. When people viciously support something and don't really know what it is. (OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT! WE ALSO LOVE HIS RUNNING MATE PALIN!)

3. When people have too much pride and ignorance to admit they're wrong.

4. When people randomly mutter "I don't know" in the middle of conversations when a question was never asked.

5. Cilantro.

6. Extremely shy people.

7. People who poke and endlessly bother/annoying hit on my best friends.
8. When people tell me a person has a crush on me. For some reason, I will get extremely annoyed at the person they mentioned for a week.

9. People who insist that when they say "nigger" they mean it as "ignorant people", not an extremely rude racial slur.

10. The dang Vietnamese lady who has got the wrong phone number and calls me, thinking I'm her son. "AAAH, WHY GRADES NOT GOOD? AAAH, WHY NOT HOME YET, ALREADY 10 AT NIGHT! AAAH, WHY YOU GET GIRL PREGNANT?" (<-- not even kidding)

*Bonus hate*: Facebook insisting that "Facebook" is not a word.

Top 10 Quotes That Make Me the Best Set-Up

After a particularly embarrassing conversation with Robby, he mentioned that I was probably the best set-up for "that's what she said jokes", and listed a few instances. And then after recounting this incident to another friend, he told me that I say things without thinking and they often come out painfully comic. So, here is a tribute to my naivete.

1. (referring to a sine graph set on radians, which Kevin helped me set up.) "Wow, why is it so long? And big."

2. (referring to boba latte) "I like the ones with the big balls."

3. (referring to odd stains on my backpack) "There's weird white crusty splotches on it."

4. (after saying number 3 and being roundly laughed at, Robby mentions that the splotches aren't white, but rather red. And I go on to say...) "Well, it was certainly white last night."

5. (referring to a kind of clay) "You have to rub it for a very long time. And if you do it right, it'll harden up pretty quickly."

6. (playing with my friend's knitted creation) "I thought you said it would be stiffer. It feels kind of floppy to me."

7. (referring to a piano technique) "In this instance, it's better to slide your fingers slowly over it, one by one."

8. (when asked what was the ruckus down the hall) "I'm not too sure. I heard a lot of banging on the wall and shouting though."

9. (My friend and I were sucking on lolipops - yeah, I know - and he finishes way before I do.) "Dang, your tongue is fast."

10. (referring to the different sizes of the basketballs) "Why are all the black balls two times bigger than the others?"

Top 10 ELF Gripes/I want to be a hooker for Halloween now.

When I got home, I noticed I had an email advertising "50% Off Lips", which is a tragically grammatically incorrect sentence. It sounds like somebody's waiting for you at the door with an ax, ready to chop off your suckaa. Or having $28496 worth of Botox being siphoned away from your lips.

ANYWAY, I clicked on the email.

And I was greeted with this absurdity:



....yeah.

1. All my fellow ABBers, y'all know how sucky elf's pigmentation is. I'm pretty sure that if you slapped yourself in the face, it would give you more color than an entire cake of elf blush. Do you honestly believe that they used elf products in this? I remember sometime a while back, somebody posted pictures on their blog that both elf and a more respected makeup line was using as their look advertisements. =/ DISHONESTY, NATCH.

2. Look at her jawline. Obviously the makeup artists at elf aren't good enough to match her face color to her neck. Or, she has a beard. How sexy.

2. That's not a "healthy glow", that's a face that's been dipped into a vat of Crisco.

3. Her blush extends past her temples. However, I must now complement the elf MA's if they were trying to imitate a nasty sunburn. It looks quite realistic, I must say.

4. If viewed on a dim screen, her face goes entirely black, except for the insane highlight on her browbone. It's ridiculously bright and screams out at me like a lighthouse ready to rape somebody.

5. Why is it showing us the lipstick's ass there? Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against ass. But that is not ass that I would want to - or could - tap.

6. I realize that in some instances, raccoon eyes are sexy. This is not one of those times. She looks like a 50's housewife that's just been punched in the face.

7. Elf lippies are a joke. They smell odd and they stay on for the nanosecond that the brush touches your lips. Then they evaporate into the air, never to be seen again. It's like elf has found the magic behind Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and applied it to all their lippies.

8. The incredibly deep pigmentation of her eyeshadow in no way matches the quality of elf's eyeshadow, unless you take the entire pan and rub your eye vigorously with it.

9. They forgot to clean up the photoshop lines.

10. Elf is already cheap, so if you make the lippies cheaper...I'm pretty sure at this point you could cleave a penny in half and get your worth.

But on another note, this has inspired me to be a hooker for Halloween. I mean, who doesn't want to look like a caked-on face sweaty from hours of crappy sex? It's obvious that this gorgeous woman is supposed to be my role model and that I should follow her steps into great hooker-dom.

But I'll be sure to use NARS when I do.

Top 10 Reasons My Brother is the Perfect Asian Child

*he is 7 years old, by the way.

1. A few days ago, he peeked over my shoulder, and after a moment of intense 1st-grade concentration, he said, "Sis...you got number one wrong. It's fourteen, not eighteen." And I sat there, dumbfounded that my little brother taught himself the principles of negative numbers (also, how the hell did I get -21 + 7 wrong?).

2. I was reading TIME magazine lazily on the couch when he prances (he does this, and it's terrifying) over and plops next to me. A few seconds later, he says with perfect pronunciation, "Why does that old guy hate Guantanamo Bay?"

3. He beat me in a round of Big Two/Thirteen/Chinese Poker 6-2.

4. He beat me in a round of chess, in which I had 4 pieces left and he had 10.

5. He beat Yuan in a round of chess. Yuan, as in Yuan Tao. And that girl is my definition of genius.

6. He knows what delectable, nefarious, and fabulous means. I'm a little worried as to how he thinks fabulous is the most fabulous word ever, and parades it around a lot.

7. He knows how to make custard.

8. He finished one face of my Rubik's cube, with the layers in the right place.

9. He actually tries to speak Chinese.

10. He went up to my mom and said, "I love you more than Sister does. I love you more than Daddy does. I love you more than both of them plus both of them times two." A minute later, he said, "Can I watch TV?"

Top 10 Astonishingly Intelligent Ways to Cheat on Tests

1. Copy your notes backwards, because Da Vinci was a mofo. Tape this to the bottom of your desk. Bring a mirror and hold it under your desk to reflect the notes. Surreptitiously glance at it when you need to know the datethat Jimmy Carter was attacked by a deranged rabbit. When your teacher catches you looking at the mirror, tell her that you can't stop admiring your sexy good looks all the time. (James Unteidt, this one is for you, because your teacher would actually believe it. XD)

2. Get a T-shirt with Einstein's picture on it - the one where he has crazy hair and he's sticking out his tongue because he's a mofo. Flip the T-shirt upside down. Inside his crazy hair, write down physics formulas. During the test, look down at the T-shirt when necessary. Your teacher will assume that Einstein's exceptionally insane hair is distracting you, or that you have Tourette's.

3. This one works best if you're sitting close enough to somebody to hear them, but not close enough to see their paper. Both of you learn Morse code, because Samuel Morse was a mofo. During the test, tap Morse on your desk to ask your buddy what the answer is to number 5.

4. Take a fat, clear pen. Take a piece of paper. With tinyass handwriting, write notes on the paper, roll it so the text is facing outwards, and slip it into the pen. During the test, you can closely examine the pen when necessary. Be warned: you'll look like a dork.

5. Wear dark pants. Write on your hand with a light-colored water soluble pen. Look at it when necessary. If your teacher catches you, quickly sneeze wetly into your hand, and subtly slide it on your pants to erase everything. If your teacher sees remnants of ink, say that you had an art project the class before.

6. This works best if you're a girl or a flexible guy (or a guy with literally no balls). Take a slip of paper and write, once again, with tinyass handwriting on it. Tape it to the side of your shoe, and sit with your foot on your seat. Glance down when needed.

7. Take a sheet of notebook paper (preferred, because it has distracting colored lines) and with a pencil, write extremely lightly on it. Put it on your desk during the test and pretend it's your cover sheet.

8. This only works if you have somewhat thick, very long hair - as in, boob-length hair. Wear a bulky jacket. Record your notes by voice and safe it on you iPod. On the day of your test, wear your hair in pigtails and conceal in each pigtail the earbud and wire of your iPod, which you stick inside your jacket. Listen to your notes during the test.

9. Write all your information down. The day of the test, act very, very sick. Before your class period, stick the information somewhere in a nearby bathroom. During the test, claim you are about to throw up and run dramatically out of the room, and go to wherever you hid your information. Don't do this more than thrice.

10. Take your graphing calculator, and push 2nd, and then ALPHA. Write your notes. Leave it on your desk, and glance at it when necessary.

Top 10 Unfortunate/Interesting Names of People I Know

1. Zen Ren - I rhyme.
2. Esess, pronounced "S S" - who is dating a guy called Echo.
3. Cornelius - who is not white or nerdy.
4. Laquitanisha.
5. John Doe - he admits it'll be complicated if he dies mysteriously.
6. Teddy Xiong - his last name is Chinese for "Bear".
7. Da Dung.
8. Park Park - his Korean parents were a little confused when given a list of English names.
9. Mr. Major - who, in the Army, was a Sergeant. I just wish he was a Major.
10. Greg No Middle Name Hurston.