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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Top 10 Things I've Learned On Television

1. How, if you have no eyelid crease and are asian, to stab a toothpick into your lid so you can look more Caucasian.

2. Bill O'Reilly does not know what a panda is.

3. Looking back, those kiddie Disney movies had way too many crafty innuendos to count.

4. Jesus is fond of appearing on dog's butts, slimy bathroom mildew, and mold in uncleaned garages.

5. FOX News is an excellent example of Poe's Law, because I once watched it and momentarily thought it was a portion of The Colbert Report.

6. If there was a terrible accident but the person miraculously survived, it's always from God's grace, although nobody explains why God would have let the accident transpire in the first place.

7. Every time I bump fists with a friend, we both, for a nanosecond, become terrorists.

8. The jowlier the politician, the scarier.

9. Oprah controls the world.

10. Mr Milburn, this excerpt from a reported essay is for you (original spelling and grammar unchanged, emphasis mine.):

"Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is."

0 pointed finger(s): raise an eyebrow: