Top 10 ELF Gripes/I want to be a hooker for Halloween now.

When I got home, I noticed I had an email advertising "50% Off Lips", which is a tragically grammatically incorrect sentence. It sounds like somebody's waiting for you at the door with an ax, ready to chop off your suckaa. Or having $28496 worth of Botox being siphoned away from your lips.

ANYWAY, I clicked on the email.

And I was greeted with this absurdity:



....yeah.

1. All my fellow ABBers, y'all know how sucky elf's pigmentation is. I'm pretty sure that if you slapped yourself in the face, it would give you more color than an entire cake of elf blush. Do you honestly believe that they used elf products in this? I remember sometime a while back, somebody posted pictures on their blog that both elf and a more respected makeup line was using as their look advertisements. =/ DISHONESTY, NATCH.

2. Look at her jawline. Obviously the makeup artists at elf aren't good enough to match her face color to her neck. Or, she has a beard. How sexy.

2. That's not a "healthy glow", that's a face that's been dipped into a vat of Crisco.

3. Her blush extends past her temples. However, I must now complement the elf MA's if they were trying to imitate a nasty sunburn. It looks quite realistic, I must say.

4. If viewed on a dim screen, her face goes entirely black, except for the insane highlight on her browbone. It's ridiculously bright and screams out at me like a lighthouse ready to rape somebody.

5. Why is it showing us the lipstick's ass there? Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against ass. But that is not ass that I would want to - or could - tap.

6. I realize that in some instances, raccoon eyes are sexy. This is not one of those times. She looks like a 50's housewife that's just been punched in the face.

7. Elf lippies are a joke. They smell odd and they stay on for the nanosecond that the brush touches your lips. Then they evaporate into the air, never to be seen again. It's like elf has found the magic behind Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and applied it to all their lippies.

8. The incredibly deep pigmentation of her eyeshadow in no way matches the quality of elf's eyeshadow, unless you take the entire pan and rub your eye vigorously with it.

9. They forgot to clean up the photoshop lines.

10. Elf is already cheap, so if you make the lippies cheaper...I'm pretty sure at this point you could cleave a penny in half and get your worth.

But on another note, this has inspired me to be a hooker for Halloween. I mean, who doesn't want to look like a caked-on face sweaty from hours of crappy sex? It's obvious that this gorgeous woman is supposed to be my role model and that I should follow her steps into great hooker-dom.

But I'll be sure to use NARS when I do.